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'DAHnK'5 Edition" 

^ of PL7\Y3 ^ 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 



Price, 25 Cents 




COPYRIGHT, 1689, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 



a. W. ^tnero'0 paps 

THF iniAyONS Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five females. 
iUC AiIlAI<Uno Costumes, modem ; scenery, not difficult. Plays 
a full evening. 

TBE CABINET MINISTER ^:ZlT.tZ.^::'::S^'. 

scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

DANnV mClT ^^^'^^ ^^ Three Acts. Seven males, four females. 
UAnUl UlvA. (^ostumes^ modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays 
two hours and a half. 

mfiAV f ODD flITPY Comedy in Four Acts. Four males, ten 
UAl 1,UI1U yUCA fgjjiaies. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 

BIS BOUSE IN ORDEE 'i:ZS"'SZX-J^T^:lZ 

three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THF HORRY HOR^F Comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, five 
IflC uUDDI llUnJC fgj^ales. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. 
Plays two hours and a half. 

IRIS Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
*"*^ modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

I AnV ROlINTIFri -P^^y ^'^ ^^^^ ■^°*^- ^^g^* males, seven fe- 
lyAUI DUUlllirUL j^ales. Costumes, modern ; scenery, four in- 
teriors, not easy. Plays a full evening, 

1 FTTY Drama ^^ ^^^ ^*^*^ ^^ ^^ Epilogue. Ten males, five fe- 
«*^**^ males. Costumes, modern ; scenery compUcated. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

S^alter i^. 'Bafeer S, Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



Our Church Fair 



A Farcical Entertainment 
in Two Acts 



By 

JESSIE A. KELLEY 

Author of '-'-The Pedlers' Parade" '■'■ Squire 

Judkin's Apple Bee" '■^Miss Prim's 

Kindergarten" " The Village 

Post- Office" etc. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1909 



-^l\ 



1^\ 



Our Church Fair 



CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Roberts, who wants to be president. 

Mrs. Henry, y^?/^^, giddy, fond of novels. 

Mrs. Jackson, the president of the society. 

Mrs. Brett, on the dinner cofnmittee. 

Mrs. Lewis, the minister'' s wife. 

Mrs. Lawson, plump. 

Mrs. 

Mrs. 

Mrs. 

Mrs. 

Mrs. 

Mrs. 



Brown, anxious to get new church attendants. 

Addison, very inquisitive. 

RiDGELY, sensitive. 

Otis, ofi the dinner committee. 

Thompson, decidedly close. 

Drew, just ?narried. 

Time. — About one and a half hours. 




LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two Copies Received 

APR 29 \m 

CopyriKfit Entry 

CLASS 1] XXC. No, 

COPY B. 



Copyright, 1909, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



T>4P96-J06^64 



NOTES 

Much of the success of the play depends on the anima- 
tion of the players. Let each one act interested in the 
conversation but at the same time do a little whispering to 
those who sit near, compare work, measure, stand and ar- 
range gathers in apron, try on, etc., etc., but do it all in 
such a quiet way that the audience may not miss any of 
the dialogue. Don't act stiff. Laugh heartily at jokes, 
and don't hurry the jokes. Give audience a chance 
to laugh. Music may be added between the acts and if 
desired " The Church Fair " to be found in " One Hun- 
dred Choice Selections," Number Twenty-Seven, might be 
read. 



COSTUMES AND SCENERY 

Ordinary costumes only are needed. The stage should 
be arranged to represent a vestry or ladies' parlor of a 
church, the same for both acts. No curtain is necessary. 



Our Church Fair 



ACT I 

Mrs. Roberts {entering hurriedly, looks around). First 
one here, as usual. I am the one who has to attend to every- 
thing ; nobody else seems to feel any responsibility whatever. 
If I were president of this society I should be here on time and 
I should feel it my duty to look out for things a little, but such 
matters don't seem to enter Mrs. Jackson's mind. Well, if the 
ladies want her for their president, very well ; but I must say I 
do think I'd make a good deal better one myself. {Looks at 
clock.) Ten o'clock and not one of those women here yet. 
Talk about an all-day meeting for work ! Humph ! They'll 
get here in time to take a few stitches before dinner and about 
three stitches after, then they'll say they must be going home 
to see to the children. They'll all look out to be here at 
dinner-time, though. I must get my things off and get right 
to work. It almost drives me crazy to think of all that is to 
be done before that time, and I suppose I shall have to do it all 
myself. {Begins getting out work.) 

Enter Mrs. Henry. 

Mrs. Henry. Good-morning, Mrs. Roberts; you're here 
first, as usual. What an energetic woman you are ! 

Mrs. Rob. Well, it's lucky there is one energetic person in 
this society. Do you realize how much sewing there is to be 
finished to-day ? 

Mrs. H. Is there much ? I just hate sewing, and I never 
can make it look like anything, so I thought I'd bring my 
book along and read to you. I told my husband this morning 
I wouldn't go near, only you were going to have a good dinner, 
and I knew I'd enjoy that. 

Mrs. Rob. {aside). Yes, if somebody else will do all the 
work. Such laziness is enough to try a saint. (Aloud.) I 
think we'll dispense with your reading to-day, Mrs. Henry; 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 



this is a sewing-circle, not a reading-circle, and you had better 
go to work on this gingham apron. 

{Hands her large kitchen apron. Mrs. H. hunts for 
needle, threads it awkwardly, sews a few minutes, then 
takes up book and reads.') 

Enter Mrs. Brett. 

Mrs. Brett. Good-morning, ladies. Beautiful morning, 

isn't it ? 

Mrs. Rob. ) ^ j • ht t. .. 

Mrs H I Good-mornmg, Mrs. Brett. 

Mrs. Brett {removiiig wraps). Hasn't Mrs. Otis come 
yet ? She's on the dinner committee with me, and it's time 
we had the dinner started. I don't believe it will pay for me 
to begin sewing until after dinner. I can't bear to keep jump- 
ing up. [Sits doivn and folds hands.) 

Mrs. Rob. (aside). Did you ever see anything like it? 

Mrs. H. Mrs. Brett, have you read this book? It's the 
latest novel, and so interesting I just can't let it alone. 

Mrs. Brett. No ; I don't get any time for reading. Cook- 
ing, sweeping, washing and mending take all my time. I'm 
just rushed to death, and so tired I'm ready to drop. 

Mrs. Rob. You seem to have dropped work for to-day. 

Enter Mrs. Addison. 

Mrs. Addison. Am I late ? I intended to be here early, 
but some folks were moving into the next house, so I jest hed 
to wait until they got unloaded. I think I saw every piece. 
Once a peddler rang my door-bell, so I had to leave a minute, 
but they were getting in a big couch then and I think I got back 
in time for the next piece. I shut the door in the peddler's 
face and hurried back quick, I tell you. 

Mrs. Brett. Who are they, and where did they come 
from, Mrs. Addison ? 

Mrs. a. I tried to read the lettering on the boxes, but my 
eyes ain't quite as good as they used to be, so I couldn't make 
out for sure, but it looked like T. J. Simonds, Worcester. 
{Takes off glasses and wipes them.) My eyes ache yet from 
trying so hard to make it out. 

Mrs. Brett. I heard a family from Worcester was going to 
move in there, so I guess you've got that part of it right. I 
hope they'll be good neighbors, 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 7 

Mrs. a. I do hope they won't be the kind that keep the 
curtains down all the time so's you can't see what they're 
a-doing. I Hke folks that keep their curtains clean up to the 
top all day and don't feel they must pull them down when they 
light the lamps, nuther. You know pretty well what they're 
a-doin' all the time then. I must get to work. {Takes needle^ 
thread and thimble out of bag ; looks over pile of tvork on 
table.) This is the apron I started last week. Guess I'd better 
finish that fust thing. 

Enter Mrs. Brown. 

Mrs. Brown. Good-morning, all. What's the news this 
morning ? 

Mrs. a. I was jest a-tellin' about a new family that's 
moved in next to us. They had elegant furniture. I saw ev'ry 
piece. 

Mrs. Brown. A new family ! Where did they come from ? 

Mrs. a. Worcester, as near as I could make out. 

Mrs. Brown. Ladies, we must call on them at once and 
invite them to come to this church. You know how the min- 
ister at the other church chases every load of furniture that 
comes into town to get the people to go to his church. 

Mrs. Brett. Yes, and I, for one, think it is perfectly dis- 
graceful. I don't want any one calling on me until I get 
settled. 

Mrs. Brown. When you're in Rome you must do as the 
Romans do, and I shall call around there to-night and ask if 
they wouldn't like to attend church with me Sunday. If we 
don't, some one from the other church will, and I have the 
interest of this church at heart. Give me some sewing, Mrs. 
Roberts. Oh, I have forgotten to bring my thimble. 

{Hutits for one ; then begins sewing.) 

Mrs. Rob. Here's a child's tier. You'd better finish it, 
Mrs. Brown. Mrs. Thompson said she'd buy it for her little 
girl, and if there is anything she will buy we'd better have it 
ready. She's tighter than the bark to a tree ; suppose she'll 
wait until the last minute to-morrow night to see if it will be 
marked down. Sh ! here she comes now. 

Enter Mrs. Thompson. 

Mrs. Thompson. All busy as bees. I must get right to 



8 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

work to make up for lost time. {Takes off wraps.') Hasn't 
Mrs. Jackson got here yet ? 

Mrs. Rob. No, she has not. Did you ever see anything 
like it ? President of a society, and no care of anything. If I 
were president, things would be very different, I can tell you. 

Mrs. T. (Jo one next her). She does ache to be president, 
doesn't she ? {Aloud.) I'm going to work on this sofa pillow ; 
it's just too pretty for anything. I'd like to have it myself, 
but they do ask such awful prices for things at our church fairs ! 
I don't think it is right; it is downright robbery. {Looking 
pillow over carefully.) Perhaps this won't sell, and they'll 
mark it down low enough so I can get it. I think it would be 
a good plan to give away the things that are left over. We 
have worked so hard we ought to have something, I'm sure. 
Here comes Mrs. Jackson now. 

Enter Mrs. Jackson. 

Mrs. Jackson. Good-morning, ladies. Am I a little late ? 

Mrs. Rob. (aside). A little late. 

Mrs. J. I'm sorry, but I just had to go down-town to see 
about my hat. I did want a new hat to wear to-morrow night, 
for I know you all want to feel proud of your president. Are 
you going to keep your hats on, ladies ? 

Chorus. I'm not. No, etc. 

Mrs. J. I think it will look a little more dignified if your 
president does, and this hat is awfully becoming. I just 
couldn't decide for the longest time whether to have wings or 
plumes on it. First I'd decide on wings, then I'd change to 
plumes, then back to wings, then back again to plumes, I was 
just two hours deciding. 

Mrs. T. Did wings or plumes win the day ? 

Mrs. J. Plumes. Don't you think milliners are dreadfully 
impatient creatures ? Do you know, she acted real sort of an- 
noyed the last of it. Your president must get to work ; a good 
deal to be done before to-morrow night, but you ladies are 
such workers I never feel any anxiety about anything. 

{Deliberately removes wraps ; arranges hair.) 

Mrs. Rob. {aside). Humph ! Wish you did feel a little. 

Enter Mrs. Lewis; shakes hands with each of the ladies. 

Mrs. Lewis. Good-morning ; glad to see you all looking so 
well this morning. 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 9 

Mrs. J. How is our pastor this morning ? I was much 
impressed with his sermon yesterday. 

Mrs. Lewis. I must tell Mr. Lewis of that. He spent a 
great deal of time on it and will be glad to know it was appre- 
ciated. 

Mrs. H. What was the sermon ? I had such an interest- 
ing book I just couldn't leave it to go to church. 

Mrs. Lewis. The subject was " The Beheading of John, the 
Baptist." 

Mrs. J. Yes, and what impressed me most was bringing in 
the head on a salver. How much better servants were trained 
in those days ! My maids when they bring in things are always 
forgetting the salver. 

Mrs. Lewis (aside). Is it any wonder ministers get dis- 
couraged ? Surely the seed falls on stony ground many times. 

Mrs. Brown. I must tell you about Mrs. Johnson. I'm 
sure our minister's wife won't mind, for we all know what Mrs. 
Johnson is. 

Mrs. Lewis. No, I shall be glad to hear it. 

Mrs. Brown. You all know how dreadfully stingy she is. 
Sunday morning she took her little son to church with her, and 
he noticed that she only put a penny on the collection plate. 
At dinner her husband asked her what kind of a sermon Mr. 
Lewis preached. "Poor, poor, very, very poor," she replied. 
Quick as a flash her little boy spoke up, "But, mother, what 
did you expect for a penny? " (Laughter.) 

Mrs. Brett. Good enough. She makes me think of the 
man who boasted that he had belonged to the church twenty 
years, and it hadn't cost him a cent. 

Mrs. Lewis. You know what a regular church attendant 
Mrs. Morse is. She's always there Sunday mornings, rain or 
shine, although she does have to work very hard all the week. 
She has been quite an inspiration to Mr. Lewis, so he said to 
her after service one morning, "It's such an inspiration to see 
you here every Sunday morning, rain or shine. I'm glad there's 
one who enjoys the sermon enough never to miss it; " and she 
said, "Oh, I wouldn't miss coming for anything. It's a real 
rest to me to go to church and just sit there and think of noth- 
ing. I never know what you are talking about." [Laughter.) 

Mrs. a. Doesn't that beat all? 

Enter Mrs. Lawson atid Mrs. Otis. 
Mrs. Lawson. What's all the laughing about ? 



10 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

Mrs, H. Mrs. Lewis has just been telling us a little inci- 
dent. I'll tell it to you later. 

Mrs. Brett. Suppose you all knew our school janitor had 
resigned ? 

Mrs. a. For the land's sake ! What's the matter with 
him? 

Mrs. Brett. He's dreadfully touchy and awfully afraid 
some one will think he's found something around the building 
and hasn't tried to find an owner for it. 

Mrs. Rob. Looks like a guilty conscience. 

Mrs. Brett. No, he's perfectly honest — only over-sen- 
sitive. 

Mrs. a. Deliver me from these sensitive people. 

Mrs. Rob. I'd rather be too sensitive than as thick- 
skinned as a rhinoceros, like some folks I know. 

Mrs. Lewis. You haven't told us why the janitor resigned, 
Mrs. Brett. 

Mrs. Brett. Haven't had a chance to; can't get a word 
in edgeways. 

Mrs. a. We're all attention. 

Mrs. Brett. Last week he saw written on the blackboard, 
"Find the least common multiple," and yesterday, "find the 
greatest common divisor." He said he looked that building 
over from cellar to attic, couldn'4; find them and knew they'd 
think he took them, so he just resigned before anything else 
was laid to him. 

Mrs. a. He didn't know which side his bread was buttered 
on. Guess he'll find it hard to get another job — a man of 
his age. 

Mrs. Otis. It's about time we got that dinner started, isn't 
it, Mrs. Brett? 

Mrs. Brett. Yes, I didn't know as you were going to get 
here to-day. I think we'd better get the water started for the 
coffee and put the beans in the oven, then we can come in for 
a while. 

(Mrs. Brett and Mrs. O. go out, but enter again in a few 
minutes.') 

Mrs. a. Mrs. Otis has a new dress on, ain't she? I won- 
der how much she paid for it. It doesn't look like all wool. 
If I could jest get a snip of it I could tell mighty quick. Jest 
touch a match to it and you can soon tell whether a thing's cot- 
ton or wool. Do you suppose she made it herself? It didn't 



OUR CHURCH FAIR It 

set reel well in the back. I mustn't forget to ask her what it 
cost. 

Mrs. J. No danger of your forgetting. 

Mrs. a. You didn't tell us how much your new hat was 
goin' to cost, nuther. 

Mrs. J. Didn't I? 

Mrs. a. {aside). I don't wonder she's ashamed to tell. 
They do say as how she keeps her husband's nose to the grind- 
stone all the time, she is so extravagant. {Aloud.) I'm 
never ashamed to tell what I pay for a thing. 

Enter Mrs. Drew. 

Mrs. Drew. Am I the last one? I've had such a time 
with my cooking this morning. The juice from my pies ran 
all over the oven, my cake fell flat and my bread is as heavy as 
lead. That poor husband of mine certainly is a martyr if he 
eats it. I wish I had learned cookery instead of accomplish- 
ments before I was married. If we don't both have dyspepsia 
before I learn, we'll be lucky. 

Mrs. Lewis. Have you a reliable cook-book, Mrs. Drew? 
You would find that quite a help. 

Mrs. D. Yes, but I must be stupid ; things never turn out 
right. 

Mrs. Lewis. I must come over and help you a little some 
morning. 

Mrs. a. I'll come, too. {Aside.) I'm just dying to see 
how her house is furnished. 

Mrs. D. It would be an act of charity, Mrs. Lewis. 
If I didn't have to cook I'd just love housekeeping. Wish 
we could just take a tablet when we were hungry. (^Re- 
moves ivraps.) What do you want me to do? Oh, here's 
an apron. 

Enter Mrs. Ridgely. 

Mrs. Ridgely. Some one in trouble about cooking. I 
thought I never should get my washing out this morning. To 
begin with John went off to work and forgot to bring up my 
tubs and fill them, so I had all that to do myself. Then the old 
boiler leaked and put out my fire, and I had that to build over 
again. They say it never rains but it pours, and I believe it, 
for after I had finally got them all ready and on the line, the 



il OUR CHURCH FAIR 

line broke and down they all went in the mud. Had to rinse 
them all over again, and wasn't I hopping mad. Guess it 
wasn't intended I should come here to-day, but here I am. 
Hand over some work and I'll make my fingers fly. 

Mrs. Rob. That's something my husband never forgets — to 
bring up the tubs. I began right when we were first married 
and I never have any trouble. 

Mrs. H. My husband forgets once in a while, but I praise 
him up so when he does it that he remembers pretty well. 
These men do like to be praised. They're just like children, 
anyway. 

Enter Mrs. Brett and Mrs. O.,from kitchen. 

Mrs. H. Will dinner soon be ready, Mrs. Brett? I'm get- 
ting dreadfully hungry. 

Mrs. Law. So am I. I don't eat any breakfast, so I like 
my dinner in good season. 

Mrs. a. Don't eat any breakfast ! Now, what crazy idee 
is that ? Can't you afford three meals a day ? 

Mrs. Law. I'm getting too stout, and they say going with- 
out breakfast reduces the weight. 

Mrs. Brown. Stuff and nonsense ! Fat or no fat, I shall 
eat breakfast as long as I can get one to eat. I don't care if I 
can't wear a hipless gown and look like a graceful willow. I'd 
rather be comfortable than stylish any time. 

Mrs. J. Well, I eat my breakfast, about ten o'clock I want 
a lunch, and I'm ready for dinner at twelve. 

Mrs. D. You wouldn't be a very profitable boarder, Mrs. 
Jackson. 

Mrs. Law. I should think you'd have gas on your stom- 
ach, Mrs. Jackson. 

Mrs. J. Oh, no, no danger of that ; there is no gas in the 
house ; we have always used kerosene. 

{Sly tvhispermg and giggling. ) 

Mrs. Ridge. I think this is a fine apron pattern. {Tries 
on big apron.) I believe I'll buy this one. 

Mrs. Brown. Oh, dear, I do hope the things will sell well 
and we'll make lots of money ! 

Mrs. D. We certainly can find plenty of uses for it. We 
do need a new carpet dreadfully. 



OUR CHURCH FAIR IJ 

Mrs. T. I told my little girl to go to her grandma's to din- 
ner. What is Annie going to do, Mrs. Brown ? 

Mrs. Brown. I left everything ready, and she and her 
father are going to have dinner together. 

Mrs. Lewis. How is your little girl getting along in school, 
Mrs. Brown? 

Mrs. Brown. Pretty well, but I fear she gives her teacher 
a good deal of trouble. The other noon she came home and said 
the teacher told her if she whispered again that day she would 
shake her until her freckles dropped off. 

Mrs. Ridge. My Jimmie has been going to school just a 
week, and I asked him this morning how he was getting along. 
He stuck his hands in his pockets, threw back his head and 
said, " First rate, mother. Monday I could only stand on my 
head, now I can turn a somersault, and Tommy says if I keep 
on by next week I can turn three somersaults running." 

Mrs. Law. He'll soon be ready for college at that rate. 
It's the hardest work to get my boy up mornings in time for 
school. I don't know how many times he has been late. I told 
him I shouldn't write another excuse for him. It was his own 
fault and the teacher could punish him if she wanted to. 

Mrs. Rob. He wasn't late again, I warrant. 

Mrs. Law. Yes, he was, the very next day. The teacher 
asked him where his excuse was and he said, " I had it in my 
mouth and Willie Knowles hit me and I swallowed it." 

Mrs. a. What did the teacher say to that? 

Mrs. Law. She was cute enough. She said, "Do you ex- 
pect me to swallow that? " 

Mrs. D. I hope that did him more good than what my 
little nephew got. He had been a very naughty little boy, so 
teacher kept him after school and talked to him very earnestly. 
He watched her very intently and she thought she was making 
a great impression on his young mind, when all at once he 
clapped his hands, and said, " Say, teacher, it's your lower jaw 
that moves, ain't it ? " 

Mrs. Rob. That's what comes of this moral suasion. A 
good, sound spanking would have been the thing for him. 

Mrs. O. Marion came down the other morning with one 
ear stuffed full of cotton. I said, "Why, Marion, have you 
the earache?" "No, mamma," she said, "but teacher said 
yesterday everything she said to me went in at one ear and out 
the other, and I'm not going to let it to-day." 

Mrs. T. Pretty good ! Children do say the brightest 



14 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

tilings. We've been talking a good deal at our house about 
the sinipUfied spelling, and Robert's teacher asked him the 
other day to spell cat. He spelled it k-h-a-t-t. She told him 
that was wrong, it should be c-a-t. "Oh," says Robert, "I 
didn't know you wanted the simplified method." 

Mks. J. We all seem to take turns in telling the bright say- 
ings of our children. Here's mine. I had a dressmaker the 
other day, and of course there was much talk of styles and 
fashions. 

Mrs. Rob. (aside'). I'll warrant there was. 

Mrs. J. That night after Josie said her prayers she stopped 
a second, then added, "And, dear Lord, please make us very 
stylish." 

Mrs. Brett. That shows the difference between a girl's 
ambition and a boy's. I asked my offspring the other day 
what he wanted to be when he grew up. 

Mrs. O. I suppose he said "President of the United 
States" ? 

Mrs. Brett. No, indeed. He said, " I'd like to have peo- 
ple tremble like aspen leaves at the very mention of my name." 

Mrs. Lewis. Your little boy, Mrs. Thompson, was very 
much interested in watching Mr. Lewis fix our front steps the 
other morning. 

Mrs. T. Yes, Albert is always very much interested in 
carpenter work. I think the child has a real talent for it. 

Mrs. Lewis. Mr. I,e\vis asked him if he was taking a lesson 
in carpentering and he solemnly said : "No, I'm waiting to 
hear what a minister says when he hits his thumb." 

Mrs. Rob. [aside). Expect he hears a good deal when his 
father hits his thumb. 

Mrs. Ridge. Do you think those gathers are in the right 
place? [Tries o?i apron.) 

Mrs. J. I think there is a little too much fulness right in 
front. [Fixes it) There, that looks better. 

Mrs. Law. If our fingers only run as fast as our tongues 
we'll get this sewing done in no time. 

Mrs. Brown. I've got this tier all done except the buttons. 
Are there any buttons here ? 

Mrs. D. There ought to be plenty. We had an extra col- 
lection for missions last Sunday. Just look near the collection 
plates, Mrs. Brown. 

Mrs. Brown. I'm afraid they wouldn't be mates. They'd 
be mostly pants buttons. 



OUR CHURCH FAIR I5 

Mrs. Rob. Here's a whole card, just the right size. 

Mrs. Brett. Come, Mrs. Otis, it's time we got the dinner 
on the table. 

Mrs. T. Yes, do hurry up ; I'm almost starved. I've been 
watching that clock an hour hoping you'd get started. 

Mrs. O. We'll have it ready in a little while, but don't 
watch the clock too much. You know "the watched pot 
never boils." \^Exeunt Mrs. Brett and Mrs. O. 

Mrs. Lewis. Speaking of the clock makes me think of 
what Henry said to his papa this morning. Mr. Lewis said he 
wished he could think of some way to make the congregation 
keep their eyes on him during the sermon. "Why, pa, I'll 
tell you," says little Henry; "just put the clock right behind 
the pulpit." 

Mrs. a. Strange how folks do watch the clock in church 
nowadays. When I was a child we had sermons two or three 
hours long ; now folks think they are killed if the pastor 
preaches over half an hour. Folks ain't as religious as they 
used to be. {Sighs deeply.') 

Mrs. Law. No, and they don't have the respect for the 
minister that they used to have. Have you heard what Mrs. 
Townsend's little girl said to their minister the other day? She 
had complained of her stomach not feeling well that morning 
and her mother told her it was because it was empty, that it 
would feel better if she had something in it. That afternoon 
their minister called and Mrs. Townsend inquired about his 
health. He said he had been suffering all day with a head- 
ache and Josie, the little girl, said, " Why, that's because it's 
empty. It would feel better if you had something in it." 

Mrs. Rob. I believe that children should be seen and not 
heard. That's what I was taught when I was a child. 

Mrs. D. {aside). She seems to have forgotten her 
lesson. 

Mrs. Rob, In my Sunday-school class last Sunday I was 
telling the children about Adam and Eve and explaining to 
them that they were our first parents, when Willie Jones put 
up his hand and said: "I'd like to know wot's them we've 
got now. Are they second-hand ones ? " 

Mrs. Ridge. Don't you think the children behave dread- 
fully in our Sunday-school ? 

Mrs. J. Yes, I do. Boys don't seem to want to go to 
Sunday-school unless the teacher will devote most of the time 
to talking baseball and football, and the girls want to talk 



l6 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

Styles and beaux. I don't know what the next generation is 
coming to. 

Mrs. D. Boys will be boys and girls will be girls, and I 
don't believe they're much different from what they were a 
hundred years ago. I rather think you talked styles a little 
bit yourself when you went to Sunday-school, Mrs. Jackson. 

Mrs. a. {aside). If she's anything like she is now, she 
surely did. {Alo7id.') I smell the coffee. It smells good, but 
it would be jest like 'em to boil it and spoil it altogether. I 
never let mine boil the least mite. 

Mrs. Lewis. I let mine come to a boil, and boil about 
three seconds. I think it brings out the flavor. 

Mrs. a. (aside). I always heard she wa'n't much of a 
cook. 

Mrs. H. I smell the beans, too, and if they don't call us 
pretty soon I'll make a raid on the kitchen. 

Mrs. Brown. I hope Mrs. Otis brought one of her blue- 
berry pies. They are delicious. She picked and did up 
thirty quarts of blueberries all herself last summer. 

Mrs. Ridge. Blueberries were awful thick. I do hope 
Mrs. Brett did?i't bring one of her mince pies. I'hey are the 
meanest pies I ever tasted. I believe she's too mean to put 
much meat in, flavors up a lot of apple and calls it mince-meat. 
I like mine rich and meaty, with plenty of raisins and citron. 

Mrs. a. I'll ask her after dinner for her receipt. I wouldn't 
use it for anything, but we could find out that way what she 
does put in it. 

Mrs. D. Ladies, have you ever eaten any of Mrs. Jones' 
angel cake? It fairly melts in your mouth. 

Mrs. a. Yes, I have, but I should think she'd be ashamed 
to make it. Twelve eggs to a cake, with eggs at fifty cents a 
dozen ! I know for a fact that she owes a big grocery bill, too. 

Mrs. J. Is that so ? How perfectly dreadful ! How did 
you find out ? 

Mrs. a. I was in the store the other morning and Mr. 
Monroe was called out and left his account-book on the 
counter, so while I was a-waitin' I jest looked over the book 
and found out what the different people owed him. Guess 
there are others beside Mrs. Jones. Some pretty near home. 

Mrs. J. {sewifig confusedly). How inquisitive some folks 
are ! Mr. Monroe should keep his books locked up. 

Etiter Mrs. Brett and Mrs. O. 



OUR CHURCH FAIR I7 

Mrs. O. We've got the table all set, but we'll have to wait 
a while for the coffee. 

Mrs. Brett. Everything looks fine. We are going to have 
an elegant dinner. 

Mrs. J. I'm afraid my appetite will all be gone before it's 
ready. 

Mrs. H. I can't bear to wait so long for my dinner. I'm 
not as hungry as I was an hour ago. 

Mrs. O. All the better for the rest of us. 

Mrs. Law. Speaking of angel cake makes me think of a 
family this church helped once. I was one of the church visit- 
ors and found a family in very destitute circumstances. I re- 
ported the case, and, among other things, a dozen of fresh eggs 
was sent. Next day I called to inquire how they were and the 
woman showed me an angel cake she had made with the whites 
of the twelve eggs and thrown the yolks away. 

Mrs. Rob. That's just the way with those people. Here 
we Avork like Trojans to earn money, then throw it away in just 
such cases as that. I'm sick and tired of it. 

Mrs. T. I am, too. You remember that family we helped 
last winter, where the mother and three children were abso- 
lutely destitute, and we sent them food and clothing? Of 
course the clothing wasn't all new but it was whole and clean, 
and we heard afterward that the woman found fault because 
we didn't send her new, stylish clothes. 

Mrs. Rob. The food didn't suit her either, did it? 

Mrs. T. No, she said they must be pretty poor cooks at 
this church. 

Mrs. Lewis. But you must remember that was only one 
case. Just think of the many who have been so grateful, and I 
am sure we would rather be deceived sometimes than to let 
worthy people suffer. 

Mrs. D. That's what I think, Mrs. Lewis. We didn't miss 
the little we gave, and I'd do it every time. 

Mrs. Ridge. So would I. 

Mrs. Brown. And I, too; but you do have some queer 
experiences. I went into a very dirty home once to see if I 
could get the children out to Sunday-school. The place was 
absolutely filthy, but I stayed a few minutes and talked with the 
mother, then asked her to come to see me some time. She 
planted her hands on her hips and exclaimed, " Oh, mum, I 
ain't got no time to go slumming." (^Laughter.) 

Mrs. Brett. Your house certainly would have been a 



/ 

1 8 OUR CHURCH FAIR / 

shining example. Suppose you have cleaned every inch of it 
again this fall ? 

Mrs. Brown. Yes, I have, I have dug and scraped until 
I'm clean beat out. 

Mrs. H. I'm not going to clean one bit this fall. I did it 
all in the spring, and I'm going to read and improve my mind 
this fall. 

Mrs. Law. I suppose some folks would think I was dread- 
ful slack, but the tapestry carpet in my parlor hasn't been up 
for six years, and I don't know as it will come up for six more. 
I'm not going to break my back tugging up carpet. Not a mite 
of dirt goes through a tapestry. 

Mrs. D. Aren't you afraid of moths, Mrs. Lawson? 

Mrs. Law. No, let them eat if they want to; I can buy a 
new carpet, but I can't buy a new back. 

Mrs. a. {to one next her). Next time I go to her house I'll 
jest peek 'round the edges of her carpet. I expect it's jest alive 
with moths and buffalo bugs. Buy new carpets ! She'd better 
pay her honest debts first. 

Mrs. Ridge. Mrs. Otis, isn't that coffee ready yet? 

Mrs. O. I'll go and see. \^Exit Mrs, O. 

Mrs. J. Have any of you been to the revival meetings ? 

Mrs. Rob, Yes, I have. The meetings are very well 
attended, but I don't know as I believe in their methods. 
Trying to scare folks into religion doesn't amount to much, in 
my opinion. 

Mrs. Lewis, You have to try different ways with different 
people. What appeals to one doesn't to another. 

Mrs. T. Have you heard about the Joy brothers? You 
know they're in partnership in the coal business, and one of 
them was converted at these revival meetings, has joined the 
church and is urging his brother to do the same. The other 
day he tried again, "Why don't you join the church, as I 
did? " he said. " It's all right for one of us to belong to the 
church, but if we both do, who is going to weigh the coal?" 
says his brother. 

Mrs. D, I think we'd better all help in that good work if 
we're going to buy coal there. 

Mrs. J. They have fine singing at the meetings. 

Etiter Mrs. O. 

Mrs. O. Not quite ready. I never did see the fire so slow 
as it is this morning. Think it must need cleaning out. 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 1^ 

Mrs. H. If that dinner isn't ready pretty soon I shall turn 
cannibal and eat some of you. 

Mrs. Ridge. I wanted to get this apron done before dinner, 
but-l'm afraid I shan't. 

Mrs. D. I've had to rip out so much I haven't got mine 
anywhere near done. 

Mrs. Ridge. What do you think of our choir and quartet, 
ladies ? 

Mrs. Rob. I never did see such goings on in my life. 
That tenor is a-whispering to the soprano every living minute 
while the pastor is preaching. It's all I can do not to raise 
right up in my seat and tell them to stop. 

Mrs. a, I heard that Mr. Colburn goes home with Mrs. 
Swift from ev'ry single rehearsal. I put out my light last week 
and watched to see if I could see 'em. You know Mrs. Swift 
lives near me, and, would you believe it, I saw them going by 
arm-in-arm as bold as brass, 

Mrs. Lewis. Are you sure it was they ? 

Mrs. a. It was so dark I couldn't see much, but two peo- 
ple went by and I don't doubt a bit that's who it was. 

Mrs. Lewis. I am sure you are mistaken, as Mrs. Swift 
walked home with me that night, I think our singers are doing 
fine work. 

Mrs. O. I hope everybody enjoys them as much as my 
aunt from the country, who visited me last summer. 

Mrs. J. What was the story, Mrs. Otis ? 

Mrs. O. It was a hot Sunday, the windows were all open 
and the crickets making an awful racket. The choir sang and 
Uncle Ned listened with rapt attention. When they had fin- 
ished, he whispered to Aunt Lucy, " Ain't that heavenly, 
Lucy? " " Yes," she whispered, " and to think they do it all 
with their hind legs ! " She'd been listening to the crickets. 

Mrs. Brett. I don't know but the crickets' music is just as 
wonderful, after all. I'll have another look at that coffee. 

[^Exeunt Mrs. Brett and Mrs. O. 

Mrs. J. Isn't our pastor coming in to take dinner with us 
to-day, Mrs, Lewis? 

Mrs. Lewis. No, he will be unable to do so. He had a 
call to visit a sick person several miles away, so he has driven 
over. 

Mrs. D. He has a good many such calls, hasn't he ? They 
must be rather tiresome. 

Mrs. Lewis. He had quite an amusing experience one day 



16 OUR CHURCH FAIR / 

last week. He was driving several miles to a conference and 
overtook a young woman who is employed as a servant at a 
neighboring farm. He recognized her and asked if she would 
ride along with him. When she got out she thanked him, and 
he said, " Oh, don't mention it ! Don't mention it ! " " No, 
I won't give you away," she replied. 

Mrs. Rob. The brazen thing ! That's just like that Mary 
Rogers. She thinks if a man looks at her he's in love with her. 

Mrs. D. We had a good joke on our minister at home. 
He noticed a young woman who attended his church quite 
regularly, so one evening he spoke to her, said he should be 
pleased to call on her and asked where she lived. He was 
somewhat dumbfounded to learn she had been a maid in his 
own home three months. 

Mrs. H. Our minister spoke to a young woman under 
about the same circumstances, asked if he could call on her, 
etc., but she blushingly replied, " I have a steady." 

Mrs. Law. I think we do need to be more sociable. There 
are folks right in this church who never know you unless they 
want some money or a cake or pie, and as for putting strangers 
in their pews, they'd have conniption fits unless it was some 
one dressed in silk or satin. 

Mrs. a. I jest watched Mrs. Snow last Sunday when that 
poor woman was shown into her pew. My, didn't her nose 
just turn up to the skies ! 

Mrs, Brown. She's only one, and it takes all kinds to 
make a world. The trouble is, people see one case like that 
and don't see the nine hundred and ninety-nine times where 
they are cordially welcomed. 

Mrs. H. Of course you have all heard of the experience 
Mr. Russell had in Mr. Sampson's pew one Sunday? 

Mrs. J. No, I haven't. 

Mrs. H. Mr. Sampson never wants any one to enter his 
pew but himself; says he pays for the use of it and intends to 
have it. 

Mrs. D. Too bad to have such hogs in the church, isn't 
it ? What did he say to Mr. Russell ? 

Mrs. H. The minister was preaching, or I don't know but 
he would have ordered him out. He eyed him coldly for a 
while, but Mr. Russell didn't take any notice; so he pulled 
out a slip of paper and wrote on it, " I pay five hundred a 
year for this pew," and handed it over to Mr. Russell. Mr, 
Russell read it slowly, took out his pencil and wrote, "You 



5Uk CHURCH i^Aik It 

pay too much," and coolly handed it over to Mr. 
Sampson. 

(Zaug/ifer.) 

Enter Mrs. O. 

Mrs. O. Dinner is ready at last ! 

Mrs. H. I cordially welcome that announcement. 

Mrs. J. I believe I never was so hungry in all my life. 

Mrs. a. How good those beans smell ! 

Mrs. D. And the coffee ! {Exeunt All. 



ACT II 

{All enter except Mrs. Brett and Mrs. O.) 

Mrs. Ridge. There, I feel better. I think I can work 
now. Washing always makes me kind of faint at the stomach. 

Mrs. Law. I'm too full for utterance. 

Mrs. H. Wasn't that blueberry pie good? 

Mrs. a. The crust was a little doughy and lardy, but 
wasn't that mince pie awful? Shouldn't you think Mrs. Otis 
had kept house long enough to make better coffee ? 

Mrs. D. I must get the recipe for that chocolate cake of 
yours, Mrs. Brown. 

Mrs. T. I think Mrs. Brett puts too much pork in her 
beans. They're dreadfully greasy. 

Mrs. J. Now, ladies, we must all get to work again. The 
days are short and it will soon be getting dark. 

{Ladies get sewing and begin work.') 

Mrs. Brown. Don't you take my apron, Mrs. Thompson ; 
mine is nearer done than yours. 

Mrs. T. I'm working on this sofa pillow still. Don't know 
as I can get it done. If I don't, I'll take it home. 

Eriter Mrs. Brett. 

Mrs. Brett. Where did I put my thimble ? {Looks around 
for it.') Oh, here it is in my pocket. 

Mrs. a. The hemming on this apron doesn't look very 
well. Just look at it. {Holds up hem of apron.) 

Mrs. Brown. It looks like a child's work. Long stitches 
and coarse thread ! 

Mrs. H. Suppose you think nothing is done right unless 
you do it yourself. That's the one I did, and my fingers are 
all sore now where I pricked them. That's all the thanks you 
get in this society for trying to help. Wish I had kept on 
reading. 

Efiter Mrs. O. 

Mrs. O. Got the table cleared. Guess I'll sew a while. 
22 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 2^ 

Can wash dishes after it gets too dark to sew. (Picks up 
apron ; looks it over?) I wonder who cut out this apron. It 
looks dreadfully skimpy. I always put three breadths in mine 
and make them long enough to touch the floor. They always 
shrink so when they're washed. 

Mrs. J. I think we had better have the business meeting. 
You can keep on sewing just the same. Of course, you all 
know that we are trying to raise money for a new carpet for 
the church. 

Mrs. a. Land knows we need it bad enough. Of all the 
disgraceful looking carpets, this one is the worst. 

Mrs. Law. So many holes in it 1 expect any time to catch 
my foot and break my neck. 

Mrs. D. Last time we had the convention here I was so 
ashamed of this carpet I didn't enjoy the speakers a mite. 

Mrs. H. And that reception ! Luckily that night the people 
were packed in so close they couldn't see the holes. 

Mrs. Brown. It's so dirty I wonder we don't all have 
smallpox. 

Mrs. Brett. Never been up to get cleaned since it was 
put down twenty years ago. 

Mrs. T. I don't think it would hurt us a bit to have bare 
floors. If we didn't spend so much money on frills we'd have 
more to send to the heathen. 

Mrs. Law. I should feel like a heathen if I had to come to 
church every Sunday and look at a dirty, bare floor. 

Mrs. Lewis. Do you think we had better have wool, 
tapestry, or Brussels carpet ? 

Mrs. O. The other church has a wool carpet, and if it's 
good enough for them I guess it's good enough for us. 

Mrs. Ridge. Oh, don't have a wool, whatever you do. It 
doesn't wear any time. 

Mrs. O. This one has worn twenty years. 

Mrs. Ridge. We've been darning and patching it for 
fifteen years. 

Mrs. Rob. I say tapestry. 

Mrs. T. Wouldn't that look nice in a couple of years — all 
worn off" white and threadbare. 

Mrs. D. Do let's have something right while we're about 
it. I think there is nothing like a Brussels for a church. 

Mrs. T. You seem to think we have money to burn, Mrs. 
Drew. Do you know that last year's coal bill hasn't been paid 
yet ? 



i4 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

Mrs. J. I think it will be time enough to decide what kind 
of a carpet to get after we see how much money we make at 
the fair. We must go on with the business. First, I think we 
had better find out how the tickets are selling. 

Mrs. Law. If there is anything I hate to do, it is to sell 
tickets. I just can't get up my courage to ask anybody. I 
feel like a highway robber. 

Mrs. D. Nor I either. My throat just closes up tight and 
I feel faint when I think of asking anybody. I bought all 
mine myself and am going to give them away. That's the 
way 1 get out of it. 

Mrs. a. Stuff and nonsense ! I'd just as lief ask people as 
not. I jest tell them they've got to buy 'em. I've sold every 
one of mine and will take three more. 

Mrs. O. I'd just as soon ask, but that's all the good it 
does. I've run up against the meanest people. One woman 
wanted to know if she couldn't take her five children in on one 
adult ticket. 

Mrs. Brown. I can stand that better than the funny man. 
One great two hundred and fifty pound porker wanted to know 
if he could go in on a child's ticket. I've sold five of mine. 

Mrs. Rob. I've sold five and several others have partly 
promised. I'll go around and see them to-morrow if it's pleas- 
ant. They are the kind of folks that will never buy until the 
day comes for fear it will be stormy and they can't use them. 

Mrs. T. I sometimes vow I'll never take another ticket to 
sell. One woman locked the door when she saw me coming 
this time. Don't much blame her, either. Folks are ticketed 
to death. 

Mrs. J. What success have you had, Mrs. Henry ? 

Mrs. H. My husband sold all of mine for me, but he says 
he'll never do it again. 

Mrs. Brett. Everybody I asked squeezed their quarter so 
tight it squealed. 

Mrs. Lewis. I have disposed of all mine. 

Mrs. T. Folks will always buy of the minister's wife when 
they won't of anybody else. 

Mrs. Ridge. I've buttonholed every butcher, baker and 
candlestick maker that came near my house, been in all the 
stores and have just one left. Folks shun my house now as 
bad as if I had a smallpox card on the door and people look 
the other way when they see me on the street. 

Mrs. J. Our ticket report isn't very encouraging. It doesn't 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 2$ 

look as if the newspapers could say "Crowds were turned 
away," but a good many of the ladies who are not here have 
sold some, I know. 

Mrs. a. What are we going to have for decorations ? 

Mrs. H. Oh, let's have thousands and thousands of chrys- 
anthemums ! Paper ones, I mean. 

Mrs. Brown, Who do you think is going to make thou- 
sands and thousands of paper chrysanthemums before to-morrow 
night ? Did you ever make one in your life ? 

Mrs. H. No, but I've seen pictures of churches decorated 
with them, and they looked lovely. 

Mrs. Brett. I suppose we shall have that same old, ragged, 
slimpsy bunting strung around that we've had since the year 
of one, and those horrid paper roses that are actually getting 
decrepit with age. I'm sick to death of them. We never have 
any pretty decorations here. 

Mrs. Brown. I move that Mrs. Brett be appointed to dec- 
orate. I've done the work for ten years, and it isn't any easy 
task, either. If she is so tired of my decorating, let her try it 
herself and see what fun it is. We'll see how pretty she makes 
it look. 

Mrs. Brett. I may not make it look very pretty, but I 
can't make it look much worse, I'm sure. 

(Much whisper itig among the ladies.) 

Mrs. J. {pounding on table'). Ladies, ladies, it has been 
moved that Mrs. Brett attend to the decorations. Any one 
second the motion ? 

Mrs. Ridge. I second the motion. 

Mrs. Brown. And I'll third it, if you want me to. 

Mrs. J. It has been moved and seconded that Mrs. Brett 
do the decorating. All in favor raise hands. {Fart raise 
them.) It is a vote. 

Mrs. a. Don't, for mercy's sake, use crgpe paper, Mrs. 
Brett. I abominate the stuff. It's worse than slimpy bunting. 

Mrs. D. And don't have stuff that's dropping off all over 
everytliing. Last year the lemonade was full of curled paper. 
I prefer my lemonade witliout the decorations. 

Mrs. O. And don't spend much money on it, Mrs. Brett, 
or it will take off all the profits. 

Mrs. T. Mercy, no, don't spend a single cent. 

Mrs. Ridge. And don't, for goodness' sake, go around beg- 
ging the merchants to do the decorating. 



26 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

Mrs. Brett. I resign, ladies. Trot out your slimpsy 
bunting and ancient roses, Mrs. Brown. I don't wonder you 
couldn't do any better. 

Mrs. J. What about a grab-box ? 

Mrs. Lewis. I thought it was understood that we should 
never have a grab-box in the church. 

Mrs. a. a grab-box ! What would our old deacons say 
if they knew we talked of having a grab-box ? No, sir, I shall 
vote again that good and strong. 

Mrs. Brown. So shall 1 ; it's just as bad as the Louisiana 
lottery. 

Mrs. H. What old fogeys you are ! Of course we want a 
grab-box. All the young folks patronize that. We'd make 
lots of money, and it doesn't do a bit of harm. 

Mks. Law. I shall have nothing more to do with this fair 
if we have a grab-box. It's nothing more or less than gambling. 

Mrs. Ridge. That's just what I think and say. 

Mrs. T. I'd rather do without the new carpet and have 
bare floors forever than have the old thing. 

Mrs. D. You are dreadfully behind the times. It isn't a 
bit worse than lots of things we have. 

Mrs. Rob. I shall never step my foot in this church again 
if you have a grab-box. 

(^Miich excitement and whispering.') 

Mrs. J. I think we had better give up the grab-box. 

Mrs. H. All nonsense ! We won't get any young folks 
here. 

Mrs. Rob. Give it up ! Of course we'll give it up. I'd 
throw it out of the window myself if they had the pesky thing. 

Mrs. J. Calm yourselves, ladies ; we must go on with the 
business. Is everything ready for the candy table ? 

Mrs. H. I have charge of that. I've got an elegant, new 
pink dress to wear ; it's just too sweet for anything. I've got 
just the nicest dressmaker. 

Mrs. D. I wish I could get her. My dressmaker is no 
good ; she never seems to have an idea of her own. 

Mrs. H. This one is so accommodating. She never minds 
how long I keep her waiting for her money, and I'm always in 
such a rush to get my dresses done that she works overtime and 
hardly takes time to eat her lunch. She does have dreadful 
headaches ! I wonder why dressmakers are always having 
headaches. 



OUR CHURCH FAIR. I7 

Mrs. D. I don't think it's any wonder they have them. 
Mrs. Rice insisted on having her new black silk to wear to 
church Sunday, told her dressmaker she would never get any 
more of her work if it wasn't ready, so the dressmaker sat up 
until four o'clock Sunday morning to finish it for her. Then 
Mrs. Rice wonders why her dressmaker doesn't go to church. 

Mrs. J. We must go on with our plans. Have you solicited 
much candy, Mrs. Henry? 

Mrs. H. I was so busy getting my dress finished that I 
forgot all about the candy. 

Mrs. Brett. Yes, always easy enough to get some one to 
dress up and wait on a table to show their finery, but some one 
else can do all the work. 

Mrs. Rob. I'm afraid we shan't buy many yards of carpet 
from our candy table money. 

Mrs. H. I wouldn't have taken the old table if I had known 
you'd make such a fuss over a few pounds of candy. 

Mrs. Law. {holding up cloth). This cloth is cut crooked as 
a ram's horn. Why don't folks know enough to tear the goods, 
then they'll wash straight. 

Mrs. J. How about the fishing pond, Mrs. Roberts? 

Mrs. Rob. I have that all arranged. If I agree to do a 
thing I do it, if I don't rig up in such style as some. 

Mrs. D. What is the fishing pond, Mrs. Roberts ? 

Mrs. Rob. Oh, you solicit a lot of things, tie them 
up in packages, fix them in a tub or some such thing, have a 
pole with a hook on it and let them try to fish them out, five 
cents a try. I think we'll make lots of money on that. 

Mrs. H. Why, I should think that was just like a grab-box. 

Mrs. Rob. No, indeed, it isn't the least bit like it. Guess 
/wouldn't have anything to do with it if it were anything like 
a grab-box. 

( Whispered comments among the ladies.) 

Mrs. D. I have a fine idea for the lemonade stand, but I'm 
not going to tell you what it is. It will be a surprise. 

Mrs. Brown. I've got a fine receipt for lemon pies, ladies. 
One my husband's cousin's brother's wife gave me. I'll make 
one and bring it for the next supper. 

Mrs. Ridge. I've got a dandy new receipt for sponge cake, 
smooth as velvet and only takes three eggs. 

Mrs. D. I must go over to your house and get it. My 
husband is very fond of sponge cake, 



28 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

Mrs. a. Mrs. Brett, I was going to borrow the pattern that 
you made Jennie's dress by. 

Mrs. Brett. You can have it and welcome, any time. It's 
right on my sewing table. 

Mrs. J. {rapping 071 table). Ladies, we must come to order. 

Mrs. O. Did you know that Mrs. Long's Susie had the 
measles ? 

Mrs. a. Do tell ! Now I expect every one of those six 
children will have them. 

Mrs. J. Ladies, ladies, will you come to order ? It is get- 
ting late. 

Mrs. H. Yes, and I'm getting tired and hungry. 

Mrs. O. I want all the ladies to make a loaf of cake for my 
cake table and I want something very nice. 

Mrs. Ridge, (aside). She won't make any herself, I'll 
warrant. 

Mrs. T. Eggs are only fifty cents a dozen. Of course 
we're all dying to make rich cakes. 

Mrs. a. Did you ever see sech dreadful prices as they ask 
for things? Guess we'll all have to end our days in the poor- 
house. 

Mrs. Law. Isn't the price of meat something awful ? Why, 
I paid a dollar and a half for a little piece of roast beef the 
other day, and you'd almost have to put the X-rays on 
to find it. I should think the oxen in the fields would hide 
their heads in shame if they knew the fabulous prices that were 
asked for them. 

Mrs. O. There, I've finished my aprons. 

(Folds if up and lays it on table.) 

Mrs. D. We won't get home in time to get our husbands' 
supper if we don't attend to business. What are we going to 
have for entertainment ? 

Mrs. J. Mrs. Ridgely was to see to that. Will you tell us, 
Mrs. Ridgely ? 

Mrs. Ridge. Mrs. Jones is going to sing for us. 

Mrs. H. You don't mean Mrs. William Jones ? 

Mrs. Ridge, (frigidly). I certainly do mean Mrs. William 
Jones. 

Mrs. H. Why, her singing is something dreadful. People 
will want to rush out when she begins to sing. Oh, dear, I 
wouldn't have sold a ticket if I had known it. 

Mrs. Ridge. Mrs. Jones is a very particular friend of mm 



OUR CHURCH FAIR iQ 

and I will not sit here and hear her talked so about. She has 
a most wonderful voice, and it is worth the price of admission 
just to hear her sing once. Some people don't know enough 
to appreciate good singing. 

Mrs. H. All right if you think so, but her voice is dread- 
fully catty. 

Mrs. D. They always get her to sing when they can't pay 
anything. I should think she'd rather resent it. What else 
are you going to have, Mrs. Ridgely? 

Mrs. Ridge. Little Ruth Manley is going to read for us. 
" Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night " is one of her selections. 

Mrs. O. Oh, dear, if there is anything painful to listen to 
it is a child who has taken a few elocution lessons and thinks 
she knows it all. 

Mrs. Brett. I think the boy had it right when he called 
them lessons in physical torture. It certainly is physical tor- 
ture to those who listen. 

Mrs. Ridge. I wish some of you ladies who always decline 
to serve on a committee would try what you could do for once. 

Mrs. Brown. You do beautifully, Mrs. Ridgely, and I 
don't know what we should ever do without you. 

Mrs. Ridge, (someivhat pacified^. And Florence Eastman 
is going to play some piano solos. 

Mrs. Rob. That's always the best part of an entertainment, 
because then you can talk all you want to. 

Mrs. J. Very encouraging to the player. 

Mrs. Law. Have you heard what a wonderful violinist 
Mrs. Aldrich's little five-year-old son is ? They are going to 
send him abroad next year to study. 

Mrs. T. Huh, that's all talk. I don't believe he's a bit 
more talented than my Tommy. She's always making out that 
her children are prodigies. 

Mrs. J. Is that all the entertainment, Mrs. Ridgely ? 

Mrs. Ridge. Nothing seems to suit, so I won't tell any- 
thing more. I wonder if they expect me to get the Boston 
Symphony Orchestra here for nothing. 

Mrs. J. I'm sure the ladies did not mean to find fault. 

Mrs. Brett. 1 think the entertainment will be fine, Mrs. 
Ridgely. 

Mrs. Ridge. Some folks do like to find fault with every- 
thing ihey don't do themselves. 

Mrs. T. My make-up for the fortune-teller is great. I'll 
look like "The Witch of Endor." 



30 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 



Mrs. a. (aside). Nothing unusual. 

Mrs. D. I suppose you'll tell all the young girls and all the 
old maids that they'll soon meet their fate. 

Mrs. T. And live happily ever after. I do hope old Mrs. 
Smith will come to have her fortune told. You know she's 
always running to clairvoyants. If I get a chance I'll tell her 
such a string of woes she won't dare go again for one while. 
She'd better give her money toward this carpet. 

Mrs. D. Better tell her that you see in the stars that some 
wonderful fortune will befall her if she will donate one hundred 
dollars toward the carpet fund. 

Mrs. T. Bright idea 1 That's just what I'll do. 

Mrs. J. Mrs. Brown, I suppose you have lots of pretty 
things for your fancy table ? 

Mrs. Brown. Just about the usual lot of things. 

Mrs. Brett. It's about like the Christmas things in the 
stores. I believe they rake out the same old left-overs year 
after year. 

Mrs. Brown. I do wish folks would give the money the 
things cost. We'd be a good deal better off and they'd save 
themselves a good deal of work. The things don't sell half 
the time, 

Mrs. a. You never can get them to do that. It's like 
asking for a cake or twenty-five cents. They'd always rather 
give the cake. 

Mrs. O. Do you know why that is? It's because their 
husbands are so plaguey mean they won't give them the 
money; but they have to pay the grocery bill, and they can 
sly out a cake or a pie without his knowing it. 

Mrs. a. (aside). I always heard that Mrs. Otis' husband 
was pretty close. 

Mrs. Brown. Talking about mean men makes me think of 
the proprietor of the hotel where we stayed last summer. He 
was so afraid some one would get something for nothing. No 
pens, inks or stationery free there. One day a stranger who 
was passing stopped in and looked to see what time it was. 
Next day a placard saying "This clock for the use of guests 
only" was hung over the clock. 

Mrs. J. Wasn't that the place Etta Thomas and her hus- 
band went on their wedding trip ? 

Mrs. Law. Yes, it was. Did you know that Charlie Har- 
low was dreadfully in love with Etta, and asked her to marry 
him? 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 3I 

Mrs. a. Why, he's only sixteen years old. Jest the age 
of my Tommy, to a day. What did she tell him ? 

Mrs. Law. Oh, she threw him over ; said it was against 
the law to catch lobsters so young. Let's get back to business. 
Mrs. Addison and I have the apron table, and those always 
sell well. Folks can get along without the gevv-gaws, but they 
can't get along very well without aprons. 

Mrs. a. We made over fifty dollars on our aprons last 
year, didn't we, Mrs. Lawson ? 

Mrs. Law. Fifty-four dollars and seven cents. 

Mrs. Ridge. I think it would be a good idea to make 
some comforters for our fair next year. They always have 
them at the other church fairs. 

Mrs. Lewis. Don't you think most people buy them in the 
stores now ? They can get them cheaper. 

Mrs. J. Yes, but they're so short they're always^coming 
untucked at the bottom. 

Mrs. a. That's just it. My son's wife always buys hers 
ready made, and I told her next time I came to visit her I 
should bring my own comforter. I like a good big comforter, 
so your feet ain't a-sticking out all the time. 

Mrs. J. I think we have settled everything we can to-day. 

Mrs. D. How about the ice cream ? 

Mrs. O. I have seen to that. Ice cream and cake go 
together. 

Mrs. J. I hope the ladies will all come early to-morrow Jo 
decorate and arrange their tables. 

Mrs. Rob. (aside). I'll wager she won't come near until 
everything is done. Things would be different if I were presi- 
dent. 

Mrs. Ridge. What are you going to wear, Mrs. Lawson ? 

Mrs. Law. Oh, I think I'll wear my blue foulard. 

Mrs. a. (aside). Same old thing she's worn for ages; 
guess her husband is one of the close kind, too. 

Mrs. Ridge. I'm going to wear my new black satin. 

Mrs. a. (aside). Now, I know what she was using that 
black dye for. New black satin ! It's that old blue thing 
she's dipped in the dye-pot. 

Mrs. H. I can hardly wait for to-morrow night to wear my 
new dress. 

Mrs. T. If you're all going to dress up like peacocks I 
don't know as I'll come. I don't think the church is any 
place to show off clothes. 



31 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

Mrs. H. Sour grapes ! 

Mrs. Brett. I've got some new puffs I'm going to wear in 
my hair. 

Mrs. Law. I think they are the worst looking things. I 
wouldn't wear them for anything. 

Mrs. Brett. No, I shouldn't think you would. They 
don't look well on elderly fat people. 

Mrs. Law. Humph ! I'd rather be fat than thin as a 
match. Some folks look as if they never had enough to eat ; 
and as for being old, I don't believe I'm any older than some 
others that like to dress as if they were sixteen. Anything that 
looks ridiculous is to see an old woman dressed up like a young 
girl. 

Mrs. Brett. What makes you do it, then ? 

Mrs. J. Ladies, ladies, such conduct is unseemly. 

Mrs. D. I must go home and get supper, but I don't know 
as it will be fit to eat when I get it cooked. 

Mrs. a. I'm going to cook tripe for supper. 

Mrs. Brown. Do you cook it in batter? 

Mrs. a. No, I jest let the water sizzle out good, then fry it 
brown in butter. 

Mrs. Brett. I'm going to have oyster stew. 

Mrs. H. Hope you won't get typhoid fever. 

Mrs. T. They have some of the nicest little pickles down 
to Kennedy's. 

Mrs. Brett. I must stop in and get some on my way home. 
I wouldn't give a snap for an oyster stew without pickles. 

Mrs. Ridge. There, my apron is finished, and I must get 
home. All those clothes to get in from the line and fold. 

{Folds up apron and puts on 7ejraps.') 

Mrs. Rob. Why don't you let your husband take in the 
clothes? I always make mine do that. 

Mrs. D. There, my apron is finished, too. 

(^Throws it on table and gets on wraps.') 

Mrs. Lewis. I have only a few more stitches to take, so 
I'll wait and finish. 

Mrs. Brett. I'll have to take mine home to finish. I had 
to help get dinner, so I didn't have as much time to sew as the 
rest of you. 

Mrs. H. {to Mrs. D., 7i>ho is fixing her hat before the mir- 
ror'). Your hat is real pretty, Mrs. Drew. 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 



33 



Mrs. D. Do you think so? It's one I had made over. I 
don't know whether I like it or not. The front looks pretty 
good, but do you like the way she put the trimming on the 
side? 

Mrs. H. (^getting up and examining). It is put on rather 
queer. Who is your milliner ? 

Mrs. D. Mrs. Simons. 

Mrs. H. Oh, yes, she is quite cheap, isn't she? Of course 
you can't expect as much style as if you went to Miss Alfred. 
I always go there. 

Mrs. D. I heard she told some one you hadn't paid for 
your last winter's hat yet, and she didn't believe she'd get a 
cent of it. Folks can afford to have swell hats if they don't 
pay for them. Good-night, ladies ; see you all to-morrow. 

{^Exit Mrs. D. 

Mrs. Ridge. Coming my way, Mrs. Brett? 

Mrs. Brett. Yes, all ready. 

{Both say good-night and go out.) 

Mrs. a. Did you know Mrs. Ridgely used powder on her 
face? I've rather suspicioned it for some time, so to-day I 
pretended to fix her hair and rubbed my finger on her face, and 
and it came off like everything. 

Mrs. Brown. Do tell ! I never would have believed it of 
her. 

Mrs. a. And I know for a fact that Mrs. Brett wears a wig. 
I went there reel early one morning before she was up. They 
wa'n't going to let me into her room, but I jest dodged in and 
there she was in bed with her head as bald as an eagle's. 
She tried to get the clothes up over her head, but I was too 
quick for her. 

Mrs. Lewis. All done. I must go right home to see to the 
children. 

{Begins putting on zvraps^ 

Mrs. Rob. {holding 7ip apron). I'd be ashamed if I couldn't 
sew better than that. Stitches an inch long ! 

Mrs. O. Some folks don't seem to care how anything looks 
if it isn't for themselves. 

Mrs. Brown. I have pride enough in ray church to want 
everything that comes from here to look well. 

Mrs. Lewis. Good-night, all. I hope it will be a pleasant 
day to-morrow, 



34 OUR CHURCH FAIR 

Chorus. Good-night, Mrs. Lewis. [^Exii Mrs. Lewis- 
Mrs. A. I suppose Mrs. Lewis is a real good woman, but 
she is a dreadful poor manager for a minister's wife. It must 
be awful hard for him. She has only six children, and it does 
seem as if she might get along without hired help and give that 
money to tlie poor heathen. Of course she helps Mr. Lewis in 
his visiting, has a Sunday-school class, is president of the mis- 
sionary society and the Christian Endeavor, but that doesn't 
take much of her time. 

Mrs. T. I don't think she shows the interest in the meet- 
ings tliat she ought to, either. Do you know, out of the seven 
hundred and sixty-three meetings we had last year, she missed 
two. 

Mrs. Rob. Dreadful ! Last Sunday I saw two of her chil- 
dren out walking when they should have been at home studying 
their catechism. Great example for minister's children to set, 
I must say. 

Mrs. Law. Poor Mr. Lewis ; I do pity the dear man. Did 
you notice how he coughed Sunday ? 

Mrs. O. Yes, I did, and I sent him some of my Balm of 
Gilead syrup the next day. It is the best stuff for a cough. 

Mrs. a. How do you make it, Mrs. Otis? 

Mrs. O. You put a pint of Balm of Gilead buds in a quart 
of Medford rum 

Mrs. a. Medford rum ! You don't mean to say that you 
sent Medford rum to our pastor ? 

Mrs. O. I certainly did, and I hope he'll take every drop 
of it. 

Mrs. H. {putting on hat). I hope he'll get over the effects 
of it before Sunday. I'm going home. Perhaps I'll have time 
to read a few chapters before supper. Good-night. 

[Exit Mrs. H. 

Mrs. T. [putting on wraps'). I suppose her husband will 
have to come home and get the supper while she reads her nov- 
els. I'd like to burn every one of them. He looks sick, and I 
should think he would be. I'm going home to cook my family 
a good supper to make up for being off at dinner-time. Good- 
bye. I'll be here early to morrow. [Exit Mrs. T. 

Mrs. J. {putting on ivraps). I have to stop and get my hat, 
so I must be going. 

Mrs. Brown. I have to get a piece of hair ribbon for Nel- 
lie, so I'll go along with you, Mrs. Jackson. Don't stay too 
late, ladies, Good-night. \^Exit Mrs. J. and Mrs. Brown, 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 35 

Mrs. Rob. If I were president I shouldn't think I could go 
off and leave other folks to finish up all the work. 

Mrs. a. {putting on wraps). Won't she swell round in 
that new hat to-morrow night? I'm going right along so I can 
go in tlie milhner's when she's there to see if she pays for it 
and how much it cost. She wouldn't tell, but I'll find out just 
the same. I must hurry. \_Exit Mrs. A. 

Mrs. O. Come, Mrs. Lawson, aren't you ready yet? My 
husband says I always hang around until the last one. 

Mrs. Law. Just ready, anti I'm so tired. Do you believe 
we'll ever get money enough to buy that new carpet? 

Mrs. O. We'll live in hopes if we die in despair. Good- 
night, Mrs. Roberts. You'd better go home, too. 

[^Exeunt Mrs. O. a7id Mrs. Law, 

Mrs. Rob. (^looking at confused mass of work and beghmmg 
to fold up aprons). Go home ! Yes, and leave everything at 
sixes and sevens. That isn't my way of doing things. The 
rest can go off without a care, but I have to see to everything. 
If I were president I would see that things were done right. I 
wonder why they don't elect me ? Perhaps they will next time. 
(Puts on zvraps.) First to come and last to go, but if we can 
only raise money enough to buy that new carpet we'll all sing 
Hallelujah. \^Exit Mrs. Rob. 



a. W. ^tnero's Paps 



THE MAGISTRATE ^*''*'^ ^° ^'^''®® •*"*'*^' ^'^®^'^® males, four 
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^ males, five females. Cos- 

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"SWFFT I A'FNHFR comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, four 
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THF TIMFS Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
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A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ""T^^ '\'^''T ^f • ^''' 

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Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

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UBBARVOFCONaBBSS 



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